SUN Science 101

Here's a lovely call I got today:

Client: Yes, I need to book a room at _________. Can I book that now and pay for it when I arrive.
Me: No, I am sorry, you must pay for the reservation in full 45 days prior to arrival.
Client: Ok but I need a guarantee of a sun-front room.
Me: What is a sun-front room?
Client: A room that faces the sun all the time.
Me: Well, that is not possible, the sun is different locations throughout the day due to the earth revolving around it and rotating at the same time. That's how day becomes night when the sun sets. (I am talking similar to the way I talk to my puppy when she is not getting my training)
Client: Wait, I don't get it. So you cannot guarantee me a room that faces the sun?
Me: Your Beachfront room faces West. The Sun rises in the East and sets in the West. I can guarantee you that in the afternoon, your room will face the sun more and more as it appears to move up and over you, then to West to set. That is Science, I cannot control that. (I had to say Science because if I called it anything more technical, I was afraid her brain would explode)
Client: So the sun will not shine on my balcony all day?
Me: Yes it will, if the sun is shining. there are few trees near the beachfront rooms so if there are no clouds, you will have sun most of the day.
Client: So that is a Sun front room. The sun will be right there in front of me.
Me: The Sun will not be in front of your room. It will appear to move but it is actually the Earth moving. (now I am even questioning my knowledge of this crap)
Client: ok,  I just want to be able to sit on my balcony and get sun.
ME: as long as it is not raining or cloudy, you will have Sun hitting your balcony for part of the day.
Client: Great thanks. (I do not believe she understood 1 word I said past SUN-WILL-HIT BALCONY.)

You just cannot make this stuff up!!
DB

Wedding Bell Trash

I received a call today from an agent I am working with about a Wedding in the Caribbean. Her client, whom she referred to as a real Bridezilla, had a question for me about the pricing for her Wedding Reception at our resort.
She wanted to know if we could HIDE the per head cost of the reception in the total cost of the room rate we were giving her guests. In other words, She wanted her guests to pay for flight, hotel, clothes, gift AND pay for their own reception cost. I was soooooo appalled. Thank goodness due to the way in which we conduct business, that cfould not be done morally or logistically. I reveled in saying no. The agent was happy too. She was so ashamed to ask me, she was pleased she could go back to this horror of a human being and deny her the underhanded, cheapo plot she had cooked up.
I swear, people are soooo horrible. How could she not think people would find out? Many people don't book direct, they seek out other means... someone would have figured our her plan and that would have really been a mess.
I swear, you cannot make this stuff up!!!
DB

Just when you think....

.....You have heard it all... a new one.

A guest of one of my hotels just called me from a restaurant on the other side of the island. She said they forgot their Credit card back at the hotel and did not want to pay for the cabs back and forth to pay the bill. Could we tell the manager of the Restaurant that we swiped their card when they checked in to vouch that the card is good. Really?
because a restaurant in the caribbean has no reason to swipe a card, they can just take phone calls all day listening to strangers vouch for card holders that the credit card is good?
I am going to try this at Macy's in the fine jewelry counter. I don't actually HAVE the card, Just call my friend and he will tell you that the card number is fine. Do people not know how credit cards work? You must swipe and the signatures must match? Not having the card sort of kills the whole party. How do people think this will work? I must be the crazy one. I swear they just keep surprising me every damn day. Citizens of the world, you grow dumber every day and then you call me!
You cannot make this stuff up!!
DB

Super Quickie for a Monday

From a guest leaving for Antigua tomorrow.
Guest: "yes, hello. I was wondering if you could give me directions to the gate?
Me: "Gate?"
Guest: "yes once I get into the airport, I have no idea what to do. I will never know how to get to the gate"
Me: I am sorry Ma'am. I don't have that information, but be assured that the airport staff will help guide you"
Guest: "Well if you say so, but I would think you would want to help me with that."
Me: "Ma'am, I have never been to your departing Airport, so I would not be of much use in this area"
Guest: "isn't that was GPS is for?"
Me: "GPS is for driving Ma'am, not walking thru an airport".
Guest: "OH, ok thanks, bye."

You cannot make this stuff up!!
DB

The quick and the dumb

A list of some of the more ridiculous questions I receive repeatedly. These are all legit, I am very sad to say. I am way more sane than I have any right to be.

1. (4 star resort) Do you have towels in the rooms or do I have to pack my own?
2. (355 rooms over 154 acres, 5 pools, not traveling for a month) How far is my room from the pool?
3. Does the conditioner that some free in the room the contain wax?
4. How do I play golf if you have no golf course?
5. It says on your site that you have tennis courts. Are your balls free? (I swear, I get this at least once a week)
6. (405 rooms at the resort) How can I find out how many people will be staying at the hotel while I am there. I don't like crowds.
7. Can I get a seat next to the US Marshall on the plane?
8. How can I contact the manager of the resort? I want him to know who I am when I arrive. (I get this at least once a week and is usually a 70+ woman from the NY area.)
9. Can we swim in the ocean and walk on the beach any time of day or night or do they close it at certain hours? (this might almost sound legit but how does one close 3/4 of a mile of open beach? It is not Jersey Shore, it's an island!)
10. Can you see the ocean from the Beachfront rooms?
11. Does someone tell the pilot to fly faster if I have a short connection time to my next flight?
12. If I wanted some special treatments at the Spa that are not listed on the menu, who do I ask?
13. Do you allow topless sunbathing at the Kids pool?
14. Is your beach very sandy?
15. Are there fish in the water off your beach? I don't swim with fish.

All true, all asked to me and likely thousands of Travel Professionals throughout the world, often. You just cannot make this stuff up!
DB

Telepathy is overrated.

It's a been a few days since I posted so I will give you the highlights of the barrage of stupidy thrown at me daily.

1. A lady (and I use that term loosely) calls and asks if her Delta Freq flyer numbers were loaded into her record. I see nothing. She gets really angry that they are not in there.
I asked her when she called them in because I did not see them in the record or the ticketing information. Dead silence: She begins to laugh.
I never called them in. (More laughs), you mean you cannot read minds? She realizes what a dope she is and apologizes for being rude and gives me the numbers. That one was nice, usually they just yell anyway.

2. Caller: I need to know how much is costs from the Airport to the hotel?
Me: Which airport and which hotel are we talking about?
Caller: I am calling the hotel, so why do you need to know that?
Me: Ma'am this is headquarters for (insert my company name here) in Florida, We own 11 resorts in the Caribbean.
Caller: Oh well I thought I called the hotel directly.
Me: you cannot call an 800 and get another country (somtimes canada but that does not count) All 800#s route thru the US. Would you rather speak to the resort? The direct number will cost you about $1.80 per minute.
Caller: No, Just tell me the cost from the airport to the hotel
Me: Again, Which airport and which hotel?
Caller: SIGH, she tells me, very nasty. (Like I am causing this issue for her)
Me: the cost is $75.00 total each way for up to 4 people in the car.
Caller: Is that per person?
Me: Again, the cost is $75.00 total each way for up to 4 people in the car.
(I said DOLLARS each time I gave an amount)
Caller: Is that in US Dollars?
Me: Yes, Dollars as stated.
Caller: Do they take US Dollars?
Me: Yes, if it were not in dollars, I would have told you so you were properly prepared.
Caller: so how much is that round trip?
Me: Ummmm, $150.00?
Caller: oh thank you. I'm not good with numbers or foreign currency.
Me: Again, there is no need to foreign currency, they take American dollars for everything.
Caller: (I swear this is exactly what she said) What island am I going to again?
Me: Well you said you were landing in St. Lucia Airport. St. lucia is also the name of the Island.
Caller: Oh it is?
Me: uhhhh, Yup.

You cannot make this stuff up!!
DB

So this is how I started my Monday. I get a call from a guy who is on his way from Los Angeles to Barbados. He left LA last night at 11pm PT. When he got to Miami to make his connection to Barbados, he was asked to present his passport. He did not bring his passport to leave the country. He then called us. I asked him why did not bring his passport as all of his documentation says he needed a valid passport to travel. He answered that figured that it was meant for people traveling to Europe and ignored it as he could not see why he would need one. I reminded him that the same of our company has the words Caribbean Resorts in it. Why would he think we send people to Europe? He laughed. I did not mean it as a joke. He is now stuck in Miami, where it is colder than LA while a friend fed-ex's him his passport. The level of stupidity I encounter on a daily basis never ceases to amaze me. Never. You just cannot make this stuff up.
Happy President's Day. I bet Lincoln and Washington would have been smart enough to remember their passports (had they had them back then)

So it's Friday night and I am stuck in what is known as, The Shopper Fantasy. Every person who wants to fantasize about going to the Caribbean calls to chat about places they can never hope to afford. I just got this one woman on the phone who tells me about all the places she wants to go. She clearly knows nothing about anything because she gets all the names of the Islands and the Resorts wrong. I am barely breathing trying not to laugh.
-I love Belitz = Belize
-I have always wanted to see Santa Lucious = St. Lucia
-How much to you know about the St. John's Club in Anti-gwwwa? = St. James's Club Antigua (U is SILENT)
-What is the best place to trip line= Zip line
-Can my family do that thing where you ride a banana= Banana boat ride
-I have always wanted to Travel to Tortilla in the US Virgin Islands.= Tortola in the British Islands.

This is the start to my weekend. Every week. If it were not so entertaining, I would go mad. You just cannot make this stuff up!
Happy Weekend to all of my precious readers. I thank you for wasting 5 minutes of your day on my crazy life experiences. DB

So I get a lady (and I use that term loosely) on the phone today asking about getting married on our private island. She says she has researched it and it seems perfect for her and her Fiance. She also mentions her son (from a previous marriage) is coming with them as witness. He is 17 years old.
In the course of conversation she mentions that they are very budget conscious. She asks me to price out the entire trip with air, transfers, resort, everything for 3 people in one room. I stop dead in the my tracks. "you mean your son in the same room with you on your honeymoon?"
Yes, she says. We are all very close and he won't mind sharing with us.
ummmmm, ok.
Once I give her the price, she asks me if it is safe for her son to sleep outside on the beach for a night or two if they wanted to kick him out.
Really? You want to take your teenage son with you on your Weddingmoon (as it is sometimes referred to in the industry), and you want to kick him out so he absolutely knows for sure the moment you two want to go at it? I'm disturbed, Highly. I feel dirty.
I would love to tell you that any part of this conversation is even slightly embellished. Sadly,  I cannot.
You just cannot make this stuff up!

Fishy complaint

We got a complaint letter today because a woman was swimming off our beach in Antigua and their were FISH IN THE WATER. Oh NO!, How could this happen? Fish in the ocean? The horror!
Yeah, I deal with crazy people all day. She wanted a refund because of the emotional distress of being scared by the fish.
Like the fish were not scared of you in their natural habitat?
So help me God, you cannot make this stuff up!

Not too much happened today that I could really get a laugh out of, but I will tell you this impending Nor'easter is getting on my nerves. I tell everyone who books with me, get travel insurance if you are traveling in the winter months from the North East, now that there is a storm coming and they did not listen to  me, they think I should give them their money back. Umm. no. You don't listen to the expert, you lose. If I were a doctor and told you that if you didn't take a vitamin C every day, you will end up needing a $10k surgery, you would take the vitamin right? I know stupid analogy, but work with me.
Well, because you didn't want to pay $69 per person to cover yourself, it is my problem that you will lose $8000? No, it's not.
So this is what I am dealing with today. So annoying. People, don't travel if you don't plan to protect yourself. I am not in business to refund stupidity.
Hope everyone in the storms path has an easy time of it. Go get gas in all cars and keep as warm as possible! Until next time.... You can't make this stuff up.

This is a quickie for my first post, it happened today.
Caller: I want to go to the islands
me: Ok, any particular one in mind?
Caller: (I swear this is word for word) Which ones have the least number of black people?
Me: Sir, the West Indies are 90% people of color. There are no islands as you request.
Caller: I didn't say I wanted to go India, I want to go to an Island.
Me: the West Indies are the Caribbean Islands. They have no relation to India.
Caller: so where can I go what will have more whites?
Me: I would cannot help you with your request, sir.
Caller:Well, who can?
Me: I don't know. But we cannot fufill a request of this type. We sell great resorts but none of them have what you are looking for.
Caller: Well you know what I mean about less blacks, don't you?
Me: Why do I sound white?
Caller: of course you do.
Me: well, I'm not....
(dial tone)
That felt great!!!!!!! -Racist asshole!