SUN Science 101

Here's a lovely call I got today:

Client: Yes, I need to book a room at _________. Can I book that now and pay for it when I arrive.
Me: No, I am sorry, you must pay for the reservation in full 45 days prior to arrival.
Client: Ok but I need a guarantee of a sun-front room.
Me: What is a sun-front room?
Client: A room that faces the sun all the time.
Me: Well, that is not possible, the sun is different locations throughout the day due to the earth revolving around it and rotating at the same time. That's how day becomes night when the sun sets. (I am talking similar to the way I talk to my puppy when she is not getting my training)
Client: Wait, I don't get it. So you cannot guarantee me a room that faces the sun?
Me: Your Beachfront room faces West. The Sun rises in the East and sets in the West. I can guarantee you that in the afternoon, your room will face the sun more and more as it appears to move up and over you, then to West to set. That is Science, I cannot control that. (I had to say Science because if I called it anything more technical, I was afraid her brain would explode)
Client: So the sun will not shine on my balcony all day?
Me: Yes it will, if the sun is shining. there are few trees near the beachfront rooms so if there are no clouds, you will have sun most of the day.
Client: So that is a Sun front room. The sun will be right there in front of me.
Me: The Sun will not be in front of your room. It will appear to move but it is actually the Earth moving. (now I am even questioning my knowledge of this crap)
Client: ok,  I just want to be able to sit on my balcony and get sun.
ME: as long as it is not raining or cloudy, you will have Sun hitting your balcony for part of the day.
Client: Great thanks. (I do not believe she understood 1 word I said past SUN-WILL-HIT BALCONY.)

You just cannot make this stuff up!!
DB

Wedding Bell Trash

I received a call today from an agent I am working with about a Wedding in the Caribbean. Her client, whom she referred to as a real Bridezilla, had a question for me about the pricing for her Wedding Reception at our resort.
She wanted to know if we could HIDE the per head cost of the reception in the total cost of the room rate we were giving her guests. In other words, She wanted her guests to pay for flight, hotel, clothes, gift AND pay for their own reception cost. I was soooooo appalled. Thank goodness due to the way in which we conduct business, that cfould not be done morally or logistically. I reveled in saying no. The agent was happy too. She was so ashamed to ask me, she was pleased she could go back to this horror of a human being and deny her the underhanded, cheapo plot she had cooked up.
I swear, people are soooo horrible. How could she not think people would find out? Many people don't book direct, they seek out other means... someone would have figured our her plan and that would have really been a mess.
I swear, you cannot make this stuff up!!!
DB

Just when you think....

.....You have heard it all... a new one.

A guest of one of my hotels just called me from a restaurant on the other side of the island. She said they forgot their Credit card back at the hotel and did not want to pay for the cabs back and forth to pay the bill. Could we tell the manager of the Restaurant that we swiped their card when they checked in to vouch that the card is good. Really?
because a restaurant in the caribbean has no reason to swipe a card, they can just take phone calls all day listening to strangers vouch for card holders that the credit card is good?
I am going to try this at Macy's in the fine jewelry counter. I don't actually HAVE the card, Just call my friend and he will tell you that the card number is fine. Do people not know how credit cards work? You must swipe and the signatures must match? Not having the card sort of kills the whole party. How do people think this will work? I must be the crazy one. I swear they just keep surprising me every damn day. Citizens of the world, you grow dumber every day and then you call me!
You cannot make this stuff up!!
DB

Super Quickie for a Monday

From a guest leaving for Antigua tomorrow.
Guest: "yes, hello. I was wondering if you could give me directions to the gate?
Me: "Gate?"
Guest: "yes once I get into the airport, I have no idea what to do. I will never know how to get to the gate"
Me: I am sorry Ma'am. I don't have that information, but be assured that the airport staff will help guide you"
Guest: "Well if you say so, but I would think you would want to help me with that."
Me: "Ma'am, I have never been to your departing Airport, so I would not be of much use in this area"
Guest: "isn't that was GPS is for?"
Me: "GPS is for driving Ma'am, not walking thru an airport".
Guest: "OH, ok thanks, bye."

You cannot make this stuff up!!
DB

The quick and the dumb

A list of some of the more ridiculous questions I receive repeatedly. These are all legit, I am very sad to say. I am way more sane than I have any right to be.

1. (4 star resort) Do you have towels in the rooms or do I have to pack my own?
2. (355 rooms over 154 acres, 5 pools, not traveling for a month) How far is my room from the pool?
3. Does the conditioner that some free in the room the contain wax?
4. How do I play golf if you have no golf course?
5. It says on your site that you have tennis courts. Are your balls free? (I swear, I get this at least once a week)
6. (405 rooms at the resort) How can I find out how many people will be staying at the hotel while I am there. I don't like crowds.
7. Can I get a seat next to the US Marshall on the plane?
8. How can I contact the manager of the resort? I want him to know who I am when I arrive. (I get this at least once a week and is usually a 70+ woman from the NY area.)
9. Can we swim in the ocean and walk on the beach any time of day or night or do they close it at certain hours? (this might almost sound legit but how does one close 3/4 of a mile of open beach? It is not Jersey Shore, it's an island!)
10. Can you see the ocean from the Beachfront rooms?
11. Does someone tell the pilot to fly faster if I have a short connection time to my next flight?
12. If I wanted some special treatments at the Spa that are not listed on the menu, who do I ask?
13. Do you allow topless sunbathing at the Kids pool?
14. Is your beach very sandy?
15. Are there fish in the water off your beach? I don't swim with fish.

All true, all asked to me and likely thousands of Travel Professionals throughout the world, often. You just cannot make this stuff up!
DB